Fly On, Little Wing
by AngelNo13Bardiel
Summary: The persistence of loss can be heavy indeed...but if you can find the strength to shoulder that weight, you just might make it back into the light. -Story completed/C&C appreciated-


**DISCLAIMER:** I still don't own Evangelion or any of the characters, they're still property of…well, whoever owns them these days. This one's a sequel to **I WON'T LET YOU FALL APART**, so go read it first if you haven't. Which means that it has diverged off the original series/movies timeline, so nothing Rebuild-based here. It also takes place from Asuka's perspective.

**FLY ON, LITTLE WING**

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><p>I sigh as I look up at the departure board and back at my watch, it's still a good wait until my flight. I've been here for more than six hours, dammit! Can't these people work any faster!<p>

I take a second to rub my eyes after that little internal storm. I swear, I'm trying to be as calm as I can about this. Heh, you'd probably just smile and say 'that's okay, it's who you are' in that disarming way you always did. I'd probably snap back with some biting comment and you'd back down, same as an other day back when you were still-

I have to physically stop myself from finishing that thought. Seven years and I still have some trouble with that. No, I can't say I ever completely got over it. And most of the time, I don't think I ever will.

I sit back on the cheap metal-and-plastic seats and take a deep breath. I'm not worried about Misato coming to stop me, she probably hasn't come to yet. Oh, she took your death pretty hard, maybe even harder than she took Kaji's…ugh, just thinking his name still tends to have some emotional sting to it for me. But yeah, she's spent the past several years trying to drown a lot of sorrow.

Honestly can't say I blame her too much, considering just how things went for all of us.

I came to not long after your…last moments. The next few months after that were pretty chaotic, but they kept me out of the loop. Safer for me not to know, Misato told me once. She just may be right: all I know is that there were a lot of things NERV was hiding, and that many of the people responsible either ended up dead or…gone. One of those was your father. I still don't know quite what went on between you two, but I think the world is better off without him or his bosses.

Almost a year after that, I went back home to Germany. Know what I got? Nothing but a medal and some officials telling me 'I'm sorry about your fellow pilot.' That was it. No ceremony, no big welcome home…just some hollow PR moment for politicians. The whole thing made me sick, I left not long after. I felt like Tokyo-3 was more home to me anyway.

I look up at the board again and see that there're a few minutes left until my flight. Damn, guess I was sitting here reminiscing longer than I thought.

I grab the handle on my suitcase and begin walking over towards the gate. Anyway, after that little trip home, the next stretch of life was various moments of hell all rolled into one. School had already went back in a few weeks earlier, and (because I was still in my teenage years) I had to continue attending. I think it was explained to me that I needed the interaction. Yeah, some interaction…

I got into plenty of fights for the next year or so. My fuse had never been shorter, let's just say that. Sometimes it was the whispering about my scars, other times for wearing long sleeves year-round. Yeah, I did that for a long time. Still do, actually. Not out of vanity (okay, maybe a little), but because I always could tell when people would look at me, at my self-induced marks. I run a finger lightly over the one on my left wrist as I think back about it. You'd be surprised to know that some of those fights were over you.

Heh, yeah, you heard me right. Most of the time, it was other girls thinking about how they'd lost the chance to get to know you. This one other time…well, let's just say that guy is lucky someone pulled me off of him. He had the nerve to make light of what we did, to say that you took some coward's way out. I know I broke his nose, maybe a few ribs too. Like I said, probably would have killed him if no one had intervened.

Misato made me take some sessions with a psychologist after that, said I needed to 'let go of some things'. All I can tell you from those sessions is that there's another person out there who thinks I'm an asshole. Kept telling me that I was 'retaining grief and turning it into anger'. I'd always tell him 'well no shit, what do you expect me to do?' I went to as many of those visits as I needed to and then bid that guy fucking _adieu_.

The woman near the gate sees me approaching and I remove the ticket from my bag. Handing it to her, she gives it a quick once-over before thanking me and pointing me down the hall to the plane. As I continue on my way, I can feel all those little memories filter in from back then. After those 'incidents', most people at school tended to avoid me or just not say anything. Only Hikari really still stuck with me.

Hikari…ah shit, I forgot to tell her about this. I suppose I could call her after I land, hopefully soften the blow a little. She's gonna be pretty angry with me, sure…but I think she'll understand. Funny thing is, your friends also kinda tried to bury the hatchet and keep my spirits up. Turns out you had some pretty good friends. Still stooges, though. But loyal for certain.

I put my suitcase into the overhead storage and take my seat somewhere in the coach section. Looking out the window, I can see the sunrise over the countryside. Beautiful, really. But I never really notice these things until moments like this, where I'm feeling melancholy and reminiscent. I had a rough few years after that time. Bounced back and forth between all kinds of small jobs. Turns out that college degree I have isn't worth much here without experience. Waitress, clothing store clerk, even tried a little at teaching. Turns out I'm not the 'inspiring people to learn' type. Go figure.

I kept what personal life I led fairly minimal. I tried some dating, more on Misato's urging that I needed to meet more people. Not a one of them felt right…and still reinforced my thoughts that most guys are after me for my appearance or renown. None of them gave a shit about the real me, just the hot and slightly down redhead they met recently. Bastards.

Had a lot of weird experiences in terms of personal growth. Even spent some time depressed enough to try and go goth, at least in appearance and attitude. Let's just say black doesn't really suit me as a hair color. As a lip color, though…I'm still tempted to try it again. Speaking of lips, I still think Misato's pissed about that lip ring I got around the same time. Good thing I haven't worn it in three years. What can I say? You do a lot of stupid things when you're adolescent and feeling down all the time.

As I continue watching the sunrise, the sky slowly turning blue leads me to thoughts of our other fellow pilot. I figure you'd probably be wondering about where Wondergirl went. You can't fool me, I always knew you had an eye on her too. Do I think you'd do what you did for me for her? Not a clue. Funny thing is…she vanished sometime after the Commander did. I think she was a bit like me in that regard, found herself purposeless and directionless. Considering there was a lot about her that was still heavily classified, I have to wonder just where she went. Somewhere on her own, or something sinister involving NERV's dirty little secrets? I wish I could tell you…

I sigh heavily again. I wish I could tell you ANYTHING again. Even if it was just insults. Problem is, I don't know if I could go back to that. You might be surprised about this, but ever since your death, I've thought about…us. A lot. We didn't really have anything but an uneasy friendship. Gott, what I'd give to fix all that if I could. I know you loved me. Why the hell else would anyone die for someone that treated them like I did you? I think that was pretty clear after that day.

And you never said a word. Not a goddamned word. You just left me with those last few thoughts in your journal.

On my own end, I'm still torn over the whole thing. I…didn't hate you, not really. I still came to see your grave every month, making sure to leave flowers on the anniversary of your death. Wasn't that long ago that I was there, really. But if I could see you again? Heh, I don't know if I would run up to you and hug you as tight as I could or just yell at you for leaving me in this sick sad little world while beating the living shit out of you. Then I'd just huddle into some seat in my sadness and anger while you picked yourself up, then came up behind me and held me around the shoulders. Not tight, just enough for me to let you know you were there. Then you'd whisper something to me and-

Again, I feel the physical need to stop that line of thought. I really can't afford to think about what never was and never will be. It'll just make it all the harder on me.

I mentioned I had quite a long depressive time. There were moments where I wondered if I should just finish what I started, maybe then I'd be able to see you again. Almost did try again a couple of times, actually. The only thing that stopped me? The thought that this wasn't what you wanted for me, you wanted me to live on and try to pick myself back up. Well, good going Shinji, you gave your life so I could continue to live in this miserable and cold world. Damn you, Ikari…

I almost laugh at myself a little. Good old Asuka, still continuing to blame everyone but herself. But I know better, oh yes I do. Some days, it really does feel like my world is coming down…and I can't help but think that I'm the one who helped bring it down. Maybe not on my own…but I definitely did most of the work bringing it down. I'm only just over twenty-one, but I sure feel like I've gone through several lifetimes.

Anyway, by now I'm sure you're wondering about this little trip I'm taking. It's not spur-of-the-moment, and the only real clue that I left is a note I'm sure Misato will find at some point.

No, I am NOT running away. It's just…I need to be away from Japan for some time. Maybe a few months, maybe years, who knows?

I decided on trying to settle in Ireland, mostly because I'll blend in there quite well. Think about it, I'm partly European and redheaded. I won't be given a second glance…at least I hope. I'd rather not have to explain a lot of the whys anytime soon.

I begin to feel the plane slowly move down the runway and lift off from the ground. Okay Asuka, definitely no turning back now. Like I said, this isn't running away or an escape. I'll be back here someday, just hopefully with less weight on my shoulders.

For now, just being here reminds me too much of you. I don't think I'll ever fully get over it, but I don't want to forget you either. You really do mean too much to me for that to happen. But that's just the thing, you're gone and I can't say just what we were.

Roommates? Nah, that sounds too cold.

Coworkers? Yeah, but it was so much more than that.

Friends? Part of me would like to think so. I just wish I could have told you that once.

"Goodbye for now, Japan," I hear myself whisper in a very forlorn voice as I watch the ground slowly shrink. "And goodbye to you too…Shinji Ikari," I add before pressing my fingertips to my lips and onto the window. "I think I…may have loved you, too. Too bad I couldn't say it aloud until now."

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><p>I'm startled awake by the feeling of the plane shaking, groggily rubbing my eyes and looking out the window. Still don't see anything but ocean, so we must still be a good ways off. Ugh…even with all this technology, it still takes way too long to travel by air.<p>

I lean my head back against the seat and sigh. I guess I should tell you that I'm making my homecoming today. I already called Misato and Hikari and told them to meet me at the airport when I land. Nearly four years away from Japan…damn, I swear the time gets away from you. Ireland was a really nice experience, it's just so pure and untouched-looking. There was good reason for that: apparently, most of it had gone underwater after Second Impact. What went back up in the old country's place had been like a return to older times: the cities there are much smaller and more rustic. I moved into a small flat in Waterford using my NERV "severance pay" (the one and only good thing they ever did for me) and spent the first few weeks settling in. Misato said that, from the pictures, it looks idyllic.

And yeah, just as you'd expect, she was fairly pissed at me for leaving. She understood, of course…but she still felt like I'd abandoned her. After assuring her that I'd be back one day, we made peace over my decision and kept in contact ever since. And she's even picked herself up and tried going on with her life. I suppose she felt like she'd spent long enough grieving: it wouldn't be what you wanted for her, I told her.

I've also kept in contact with Hikari, but at least she wasn't as angry with me initially. I am sad I couldn't have been there for the wedding, though. Heh, yeah, she ended up marrying Suzuhara after all. Anyone with half a brain could see that throughout high school. I wanted to be jealous…but that was the old me talking. I just wished them the best of luck and a happy future.

Now, where was I? Oh, right, Waterford. After getting accustomed to the new surroundings, I made myself known to the town's populace. Thing is, they knew me as Catherine Marie Gahan. I figured I'd rather start from scratch there if this was taking time away from the past. Aida helped me out with all the necessary "official" documentation. Figures that geek would come in handy one day. I spent my first year there as a waitress in a small café in the downtown area. Without the weight of my identity and my past, it felt different…like a completely other me, ready to talk to just anyone with a smile and a kind word. I suppose I should thank you for teaching me that much, at least.

While working there, I especially began to reconnect with children. I guess, given my own childhood, seeing kids always seemed to open up old wounds. But it slowly felt different, and I'm pretty sure why. Damned biological clock. For a while, I clung on to the vow my teenage self used to make, especially when my period hit hard, to never want children. But you just can't control those motherly impulses sometimes. Not that I was intending to give birth to one: I still haven't been able to be with other men with you on my mind. I mean, how many of them do you think would give themselves for me like you did?

Anyway…that led me back to teaching, kindergarten and first grade specifically. That's how I spent the remaining time over there, working with younger children and watching the sparkle and wonder in their eyes. It had been a very, VERY long time since I'd seen the world as a magical place. I guess, over time, those kids had shown me what I'd forgotten. I almost wanted to cry some days in those moments.

I toy around with the locket on my necklace. It was a little gift Misato sent me a couple of years ago…along with some other things. Turns out she had been secretly taking and keeping pictures of us while we were both under her care. One I kept on my desk for the longest time: it was from after staying at that hot-spring resort after defeating the Angel at Mt. Asama. We had fallen asleep in the backseat of her car on opposite sides, each looking out a window and out cold. Your left hand and my right hand had ended up close together, within and inch or two of touching. Misato said that moment looked so precious, she couldn't help but get a shot of it. Yeah, I made sure to frame it and treasure that one in particular. Another one she had taken was before I had showed up: it was you with your friends, putting on a truly natural smile. She said it was one of the few that showed you genuinely happy. A copy of that picture is inside this locket. That way, you'd always be near my heart, as you have been for years now…

A small yawn and some movement from the seat next to mine brings my attention back to my other surprise to everyone. I said before that I wouldn't give birth to a child, right? No, this little one was a gift to me from Heaven.I spent enough time around children that I had begun to consider the idea of raising one of my own. I spotted her at one of the first orphanages I visited. I think what drew me to her was her eyes: they're like yours were, almost an impossibly deep blue. She even has a hair color not unlike yours, although less black and more brown.

Her name's Sarah, she's of British birth (from what her records could tell), and she spent almost her entire life as an orphan. She was given up for adoption at infancy and spent the next four years there, always waiting to see if someone would take her to a new home. I was about that age when I lost my mother, so there was that kind of kinship there too. I adopted her about seven months ago, and I couldn't imagine ever deciding otherwise. I truly feel like I finally have light in my life for the first time in what feels like so very long.

I watch Sarah rub her eyes and look at me with that pure smile of hers. "Hi Mama, are we there yet?" she asks me.

I smile and smooth out her hair. "Not yet, Liebling. It'll be soon, though," I tell her. "I hope so, anyway," I add a few seconds later.

She giggles at my musings. "Silly Mama," she says. "I can't wait to meet Grandma Misato and Aunt Hikari!"

Oh dear, Misato just might kill me over that nickname. Heh, Sarah's been excited as can be ever since I told her we were moving back to where her Mama grew up. I just hope this little surprise doesn't give either Misato or Hikari a heart attack. "Yep, they're gonna get a good surprise when they meet you."

She points at the locket I'm still holding with an inquisitive look in her eyes. "What's that, Mama?"

I open it up and lean in closer to show her the picture within. "This is one of Mama's best friends in the world," I tell her. "His name is Shinji. Can you say 'Shinji'?"

"Sh-Shin…"she struggles with the pronunciation for a moment, "Shinji. Is that right, Mama?"

I nod, giving her a big smile. "Very good, Liebling. Mama's so proud of you."

Ah, there's that smile again. I never grow tired of seeing it on her. "Thanks, Mama. Will we get to meet him, too?"

My smile falls away for just a second before it returns and I speak again. "Well…you see, little one…he's somewhere very, very far away. So I don't think we'll get to meet him for a long time." Ugh, I hate lying to her. But I'll tell her the truth one day when she's old enough, I promise.

Sarah just gives me this puzzled look as I explain, then smiles and nods. "Okay, Mama," she tells me. I feel the plane shake around again and I join her in peering out the window seat she'd insisted upon. Oh good, we've finally landed back on solid ground. "We made it, we made it!" she says in an excited voice.

"We sure have, little one," I tell her as the airline announcements run their course. When it's finally time to, I unbuckle her and myself and rise from our seats and retrieve my carry-on bag from the overhead stowage. Holding my hand out to her, I speak again. "Ready to go to our new home, Liebling?"

She grins again and takes my hand. "Okay, Mama. Let's go," she says as I lead us out of the plane.

Well, Shinji…maybe I used to think that trading your life for mine was a waste. But for a long time now, I no longer feel like I've got a weight around my heart. I feel like I'm ready to look forward and keep going. And there's someone else in my life who needs me to keep my head held high. And I'm going to fill this little vessel with all the love neither you or I were shown…and all the love you would've shown me if you were still here.

I have to smile to myself as I step outside of the plane, Sarah in tow. Are you proud of me, Shinji? Because, for the first time in a long time, and not in the way I used to be…I'm proud of myself.

*******THE END*******

**A/N:** Yeah, it started off kinda bittersweet and dark and managed to end on a much lighter note. I had felt like **I WON'T LET YOU FALL APART** needed a sequel, some kind of follow-up…a better sense of closure, if you will. Besides, I'd never written from Asuka's perspective. Her mindset, yes. But never looking through her eyes AND in her words. I'd like to think I did a pretty decent job. Besides, I tend to think that it's the darker works that can help show if you've improved in overall writing skill. But did I? Well, that's really up to you, now isn't it?

A special bit of thanks goes out to enigmasky for his (her?) recent fic _Remember Me_, which got me off my duff to complete this.

Yeah, Mitsumi's still feeling a bit ill. Don't worry, though. I think by next time, she'll be back to her good old cheerfully hyperactive self.

Pre-read for this one was done by Bagheera, Final Messenger, JimmyWolk (whose advice ended up creating the second portion of the fic), and xanderkh. Thanks, guys. Very good work.

As usual: good comments will be appreciated, bad ones will be ignored (or kept for firewood). But I do favor good/helpful criticism, so send it my way! So go take a look at the rest of my fics, tell me what you think. And review! Even if it's not positive, review!

Until our paths next cross,**  
>-AngelNo13Bardiel-<strong>


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